Brick
by SVU-Obsessed
Summary: Chapter One: Faze. Just a little alternate version to Lulu's storyline.


_She's flat on her bed_

_Alone in the dark_

_She remembers what was said_

_Staring at the mark_

_She's in too deep_

_Crying herself to sleep_

_And there's nothing I can do_

_She's so far away. . ._

Sometimes when I was younger, I would allow myself these little fantasies. Especially when I started high school, especially when I started to see all these people around me finding their first loves, and I couldn't sleep. It made me unspeakably sad. I had never seen any kind of functional relationship. 15-year-olds had better relationships than my parents. I wondered if maybe I was genetically programmed to fail. Or to never be loved.

Now I think so more than ever.

It's hard not to think so. My aunt Bobbie? I can't even remember how many husbands, boyfriends, lovers, and all that crap she used to call the men in her life. They all bailed. All the relationships failed. My parents? Don't even get me started. And for awhile, I thought that maybe Lucky and Nikolas had escaped it. But then Lucky had become an aggressive drug-addicted cheater. And look how things had turned out between Nikolas and Emily. Maybe it wasn't that I was designed to be unlovable. I was designed to cheat as well. And steal, and whatever other label the stepmonster decided to throw at me.

Anyways, I would sometimes allow myself these fantasies that I wasn't alone in bed. That there was someone with me, who I loved. Someone who would hold me when I was cold, or scared, or sad. Or maybe just because. Yeah, someone would hold me just because. And I could feel how much they loved me. And I would smell them, and I would know that smell meant I was safe from whatever happened.

"Lulu?" I heard Nikolas say softly from my doorway.

I was glad for the excuse to get up. I hadn't slept properly. My hair was greasy from tossing and turning, and I was freezing, despite the clammy layer of sweat all over me.

"Yeah," I said softly. "I'll be there." And without another word, he went away. Nikolas was good like that. He knew when I needed my space. Suddenly I didn't want to get out of bed, and my limbs felt heavy. No, I had to go. I slowly crawled out of bed and padded down the hall, into the kitchen. Emily was sitting on a stool in the breakfast nook, holding a cup of coffee. She was just wearing brown silk robe and had her hair tied back in a low ponytail, but she still looked elegant. I envied her. She had it all under control. She had a newspaper sitting in front of her, but was staring instead at the counter. She looked up at me when I came in. Our eyes met. She understood. I pulled out a glass and filled it with water, then took the stool across from her.

"You had trouble sleeping too, huh?" she asked. I nodded and took a sip of the water. It made my stomach roil.

"Yeah," I said, the second time I had said it within minutes. The only word I'd said so far. I felt gross, and I wanted a shower, but my body protested to the idea. My limbs felt so tired that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. But I couldn't cry. I had already cried. I felt heartless.

"Look, Lulu, I'm going to be here every step of the way for you. If you change your mind, that's okay. You're allowed."

I shook my head. "No, I've made my decision," I said softly. "I'm going to go take a shower."

I turned the water on, nice and hot, and let the steam fill the bathroom before I started to undress. Once the mirror had fogged up, I finally brought myself to look. My eyes, my face, they all looked empty. I would be empty soon.

I studied my profile. Extra pounds had formed on my thighs, hips, butt and stomach. A telltale sign of things that were once to come. Or things that were still to come. Except that they were different things to come, and I didn't like any of them.

The hot water scalded my skin, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be clean. I didn't want to feel so disgusting anymore. It didn't help.

Eventually, I emerged from the bathroom in sweatpants and a hoodie. They were all I could fit into now. Emily had dressed as well- jeans and a sweater. If I had ever had a sister, I would have wanted it to be Emily. Although technically, we were related somehow. She was Alan and Monica's adopted daughter, and Tracy's adoptive niece. And I was Tracy's step-daughter. Which would make us. . . adoptive step-cousin's? None of it meant anything, really. But it had gotten my mind off of things for a milli-second.

"Ready?" Nikolas asked, coming into the room.

_No_. I thought. _Never_.

"Yeah. Let's go."

The song used is Faze, by Aselin Debison.

This may be a little confusing, but I promise it'll make sense! Just stick with me :)

All reviews always appreciated.


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